First time I received a call from this number was a little over two months ago. I was working from the office but was also expecting a delivery, so I had my phone close by whenever it was convenient. I had to step into a meeting and by the time I returned I already had two missed calls. Thinking it was my delivery person, I immediately rang back but the number cut my call. I figured they were trying to reach me again.
It took a while but the call came in again, but only for a second. It rang and immediately dropped. I was taken aback but ignored it. It happened a few more times and I tried to call back again. This time it rang but no one answered, so I put my phone away. I believe I received six missed calls in total before the person finally called me.
When I finally picked up, this was the conversation:
- Hello
- Hello
- How can I help?
- My baby ********
- Excuse me?
- I just saw your number on my phone but I do not know who you are
- I do not know you either, so why are you calling me?
- Sorry but my baby has been drop calling you…
I could hear the baby in the background. It was an actual toddler who could barely even speak, so there was no reality where that child was somehow playing with my number. I immediately knew it was my colleague’s wife. We had spoken a few times before and I already knew they were in an extremely dysfunctional relationship, not because he said anything terrible about her but because of the things he presented as normal.
I messaged him on Teams the next morning. I told him his wife called me and I did not appreciate it. I did not know, care, or desire to be involved in their drama but I had to set a boundary and make sure it never happened again. He said she did that often and apologized.
The truth is that he and I had become close at work because we are the only Africans in the office. What we had was normal professional camaraderie. Same background, shared jokes, a sense of familiarity in a foreign environment. Completely human. Which is why one can imagine my shock when I received a call from his wife again a few days ago, demanding that I explain to her why I felt it was appropriate to be friends with her husband.
I immediately hung up. She rang six more times but I never answered and blocked the number.
I went on Teams and blasted the husband. I told him that if I received any more contact from her I would escalate everything to HR.
I was indignant and frustrated, rightly so. Nevertheless, I tried to move on, hoping that was the end of it. Only for the same woman, with absolutely no self respect, to send me this very inane message on WhatsApp.
I blocked her instantly because it was clear she is completely void of logical reasoning. Which is the only way she can convince herself that an explanation from a complete stranger, whom she will most likely never meet, holds more weight than whatever explanation the man she has been with for years may have given her about the situation.
While writing this, I tried to make excuses for her. I wanted to believe maybe she was hurt, confused, or reacting out of shock. But I cannot get past the sheer absurdity of her behaviour. It blows my mind. I have always seen myself as someone who can understand pain even when it is not rational. But this, I cannot spare a single drop of empathy for it.
I judged the husband terribly when she first rang me months ago. I assumed he must be doing something terrible to drive her to this level of paranoia. But after everything that has happened, it is clear she is simply a very insecure and disturbed woman. Because I do not know many normal people who would go to such extremes based on their own invention.
This made me think about why so many people fear solitude. This couple has been together for some three years, married for about two years I imagine, and they have a child. She supposedly got pregnant three months after they started dating and they rushed into marriage. Let us assume he has been cheating on her since the beginning and that drove her mad. Then why continue. Why build a life on something that already feels unsafe. Most importantly, why does the madness not drive her to leave.
Something similar happened back home years ago. A friend had asked for a lift, and when I picked her up, she had three other ladies with her. I dropped them off and stayed in the car making a call when the chaos erupted. They started pounding on one lady. I got closer and realized they were fighting over a man. I turned right back, got in my car, and left. Friend later called me, angry that I didn’t fight with her. I told her I was disappointed that she’d even think to involve me in such nonsense. She blocked me, and we never spoke again.
And it isn’t just back home. I was in Berlin for the Adidas City Night Run a few weeks ago, staying with a girlfriend for just one day, and they too couldn’t resist the drama. Something happened, it got loud, the police were called, and I thought, there’s no coming back from this. Except there was, they’re back together now.
My old neighbor used to cry at night at least twice a week. Every time, I heard her cry and thought this must be her limit. She must be leaving him now. Yet nothing changed. Instead, I would hear them making up later.
I have witnessed things like this in different countries and it breaks my heart to see how many women are so broken inside that they would rather stay with dysfunction than take a chance on the life that awaits them outside.
I understand for generations women have been conditioned to believe that their worth depended on being chosen. Many societies still teach that marriage and motherhood are the ultimate validation. But the world has changed and information is at our fingertips. So we cannot keep surrendering to the same suffocating stereotypes.
As an adult you should be able to draw a line and say you have had enough. You deserve better. And even if you never get it, it is still better to take your chance with the unknown than to endure another second of dysfunction.
As Toni Morrison said, “We are already born. We are going to die. So you have to do something interesting that you respect in between.”
Your strength as a woman does not lie in birthing a child for a man who is not committed to you. It does not lie in tolerating the unimaginable just to appear like a good woman. It does not lie in holding onto beliefs that cage your life. It does not lie in being chosen.
Your strength lies in having the confidence to walk through life on your own and to walk away from situations and situationships that do not propel your life in the direction you desire. Your strength lies in finding purpose, the anchor that keeps you from attaching your worth to anyone else. Because a woman who has found purpose can no longer be manipulated by fear. She no longer begs for love, acceptance, or validation from someone who cannot even love themselves. Her life becomes full not because of who stands beside her but because she stands firmly within herself.
I mean, if you can have all that strength to fight and find out whom your man spoke to in less than 24 hours, fight other women, and police a grown man, then that shows you’re not putting any time or effort into bettering your own life at all, and that is just plain sad and pathetic. Because you cannot love another person well when you do not love yourself. People cannot give what they do not have.
When a woman is empty inside she clings to chaos because it distracts her from the void. When she is full, when she has peace, self awareness, purpose, and self respect, she becomes her own sanctuary. She no longer tolerates relationships that insult her intelligence or drain her soul.
A woman with purpose does not fear solitude. She knows solitude is where clarity lives. It is where you meet yourself again and rebuild the parts that pain has shattered.
So if you ever find yourself calling another woman’s phone to create drama, I hope you find the strength to stop and confront the real problem, which is the emptiness inside. Policing and accusations will not fill that void. Fighting every woman who crosses your man’s path will not fix the emptiness either.
Fight for your peace instead. Fight for your dreams. Fight for the version of yourself that you can be proud of. Because nobody wins in chaos. Not you. Not him. Not the child growing up in that environment.
Healing does not come from control. It comes from courage. Courage to admit you have lost yourself. Courage to walk away. Courage to start again even if you must start alone.
Because in the end, your life will always reflect the choices you make. Choose the ones that protect your peace and honour the woman you are becoming. Because the woman you can become when you are grounded in who you are will always be worth more than the man you fear losing.
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