I was scrolling through social mediocum when I came across a post from a woman calling out her supposedly child’s father for being a bum. According to her, she forgave him for cheating in the past. She got pregnant, and while pregnant, he supposedly cheated the whole time. She was due to deliver when a bunch of women reached out to say they had also been with him.
She seemed heartbroken, and rightly so, but her playing the victim card just didn’t sit right with me.
I went through the comments and saw that everyone was supporting her, so I figured she was a big girl and would not mind one honest comment. I asked if cheating was nonnegotiable for her. I imagine it is, since it hurts her so deeply. But if that is the case, why forgive him? And more importantly, why get pregnant for him when they were not even married? In the absence of commitment, what made her believe he was ready to raise another human being?
Not long after, women started admonishing me. One argued that raising a child required more commitment than marriage, so it did not matter. As I was typing to ask, “More commitment to whom?” she deleted my comment. Instead of blocking me, she kept deleting and I kept reposting until I eventually got tired and retired.
Still, it made me reflect on how easily we now accept what once demanded deeper thought.
I can understand a very young, naive girl getting pregnant. That I excuse completely. But what baffles me is when adults do it and then cry victim afterward. Because the truth is that both parties were irresponsible. How do I know? I know cause responsible people do not go around doing reckless things just because of butterflies in their stomach. No responsible man gets women pregnant carelessly, and no responsible woman lets a boyfriend get her pregnant either. Unless something terrible happened, you do not get to play the victim card.
She also mentioned they were not planning to have a child and that it just happened. I hear women make that argument often, and I always wonder how. That is like saying you want to swim but you do not want to get wet. It defies logic, doesn’t it. And the excuse that protection is not foolproof does not hold up either, because all these girlfriends cannot possibly be in the two percent failure rate.
Boyfriend and girlfriend relationships are meant for getting to know each other, understanding values, and assessing compatibility, not for bringing children into the world. Having a child is a lifelong responsibility, not a test of love or proof of commitment. Marriage does not automatically make someone ready either, but at least it creates a clearer structure of shared accountability.
In dating, there is usually no legal or emotional framework for raising a child. When people decide to have children without that foundation, they take on a risk that often leads to emotional, financial, and psychological consequences for everyone involved, including the child. And when things fall apart, they say, “I love my child and I am going to take care of them.” But you have no other choice. That baby is going to cleave to you, the mother, for the next many, many years. Love, though, is not just taking care of what you created. Real love prepares before it creates.
If men were the ones carrying pregnancies for nine months and going through childbirth, I doubt we would see this many unplanned children. Men rarely volunteer for suffering they cannot escape. But many women, out of emotion or misplaced hope, still believe a child will change the dynamic of a relationship. It never does. Nothing has ever kept a man who does not want to be kept, not even a helpless baby.
A woman who truly loves the idea of her future child behaves with foresight. She is selective about who she allows close. She looks beyond charm or chemistry and assesses character, values, and responsibility. She builds stability first, emotionally, financially, and spiritually, because she understands the weight of what she is creating. She does not gamble with life-changing choices or rush into pregnancy out of loneliness or pressure.
That is what real love for a child looks like. Intentionality before conception, not justification after.
I do not believe women who have children out of wedlock should be cast out of society. I also understand there are exceptions, and I am not referring to grown women who can stand ten feet tall on the decisions they make. I am talking about women who belittle themselves by birthing for a bum and then crying victimhood. Please, stop that. It can only be called a mistake if it happens once and you learn from it. Do not let the same man or several men impregnate you and still call it a mistake. Please, just don’t.
Life humbles everyone differently. What matters is not the fall but whether we allow it to teach us something lasting. Growth begins the moment we take accountability instead of defending poor decisions. Until we stop romanticizing recklessness and calling it love, the cycle will never end.
If you are in such a situation and have read this far, don’t take it to heart as this is not meant to spite you. I simply hope it resonates with you in the spirit it was intended so you are moved to do better, not defend worse.
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