I love spending some of my free time online reading people’s thoughts but lately, a lot of the content I have been seeing has led me to believe that many women approach dating with very distorted perceptions.
I have found that what irritates me most is how many women try to overcomplicate obvious disinterest by hiding behind labels and psychological jargon.
I don’t know what most people nowadays take dating to be, but to me dating is simply the stage where two people are getting to know each other romantically to see whether they are compatible enough for something more serious.
At this stage, regardless of whether you two speak for hours daily, whether one of you feels the chemistry is getting stronger or whatever else, it does not negate the fact that you are still getting to know each other and trying to figure out if you want to pursue things with each other romantically.
So, if either of you pulls back abruptly with silence, it is disrespectful, yes, but it is also as clear as it can be and really needs no further explanation. They say actions speak louder than words, and this is one action that does not need a single word to make it clearer.
No response is a response. Ghosting is a response, and it says, “I am not interested.”
If a person is not interested in you, then why should it matter whatever excuse they were going to give for it anyway. It shouldn’t.
I also don’t like the fact that people are getting comfortable with labelling or diagnosing people’s bad behaviour instead of just accepting it for what it is, but for argument’s sake, let’s go with the “avoidant” label.
A person can be avoidant and still be uninterested.
Someone can also be interested and still behave inconsistently because they are avoidant, emotionally immature, bad at communication, or used to dysfunctional patterns. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
The issue is that from the outside, the result often looks exactly the same. They break promises, do not call, do not text, they disappear and leave you midair.
With such outcome, the reason should stop mattering.
Whether he is avoidant, scared, overwhelmed, confused, emotionally unavailable, and or simply not interested, the outcome for you is still lack of effort, lack of clarity, and lack of consistency, and that is all the information you need.
There is no world where three weeks is nearly enough to claim to know anyone. In that timeframe, you are most likely meeting their representative version. People are usually still on their best behaviour, still presenting themselves carefully, and still somewhat performing.
You have not yet seen how they handle stress, disappointment, conflict, boredom, anger, money, family, distance, illness, or real-life inconvenience. At most, you can know enough to decide whether to continue, but you cannot know enough to make grand conclusions about their character, attachment style, or future intentions.
Thus, you should be observant rather than overly invested early on because you are gathering data, not writing the final report.
After only three weeks, everybody is still basically a stranger to each other. Therefore, it is a stretch to argue that they “left you for a stranger,” because you were both strangers to him.
That does not mean you cannot feel disappointed, especially if there was consistency and you were starting to enjoy the connection. However, framing it as though someone abandoned a deep relationship for someone else makes it feel far more dramatic than it actually was.
Growing up, I used to think most adults were mentally healthy, but my experience as an adult has more than proven that theory to be false.
I cannot fathom how adults can let someone they barely knew weigh them down so much that they are willing to beat themselves up, let alone bare it all online for public consumption.
Personally, I am a very respectful person and I expect no less from every person I interact with. Thus, if a man I was entertaining suddenly ghosted me, I would not sit around and try to psychoanalyse their behaviour as that would be counterproductive.
I would simply accept the reality for what it is. He is no longer interested. He also lacks respect and basic courtesy, and he is not someone I could rely on in bigger situations.
Once I have such a clear result, I cannot think of any logical reason why I would expect to hear from them again.
Dating is for observing and collecting information about the person. You should be paying attention to whether they are able to communicate properly and are consistent, how they treat you and how you feel around them, whether their words match their actions, how they handle plans, what their values are, and whether you even enjoy being around them. Basically, you want to see whether you are aligned in some of your core values.
Dating is not when you should overinvest in potential instead of paying attention to reality, make excuses for bad behaviour, tolerate mixed signals or poor communication, or build fantasy relationships in your head based on who you hope they are rather than who they actually are.
You should not stop living your life because someone new has appeared. Keep your routines, friends, goals, hobbies, and priorities.
It is not when you make them the center of your world before they have earned that place. You should not be afraid to walk away when something feels off, unclear, one sided, or emotionally draining.
You should not confuse chemistry with compatibility because someone can be exciting, attractive, and intense while still being completely wrong for you.
Dating is not when you try to fix, save, heal, or teach someone into becoming the person you want.
Most importantly, you should not lose your standards, dignity, or self respect by chasing just because you are afraid to lose someone which, in all honesty, you barely even knew.
A little discomfort has never hurt anyone, so sit in it for however long it takes. However, letting a situation that should have been nothing more than a period of observation chip away at your self respect is where the real damage begins.
Once you have been ghosted, there is nothing left to analyse. The behaviour is already clear, the outcome too is clear, and so the only thing left is to accept it for what it is, a man you were entertaining is no longer interested, simple. There is no need for overanalyzing or overthinking it, just keep it cute and keep it moving.
You do not need closure from a stranger, you do not need explanations, and you definitely do not need to shrink your standards just to make sense of something that clearly isn’t significant.
Sit in the discomfort if you feel it and be patient with yourself, because the best thing you can always do for yourself is choose your self preservation, your self respect, and your self love over anyone who tries to make you compromise them.
Leave a Reply